Nothing Extraordinary Here

Even an ugly man
Could kiss your lips
As if they were his to demand of
Or his to destroy like a lover of a demon

What loving won't fix tonight
The whiskey certainly might
I must have whispered your name
65 times.

pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
and thats what you get for falling again
you can never get him out of your head
it's the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love
she's beautiful as usual
with bruises on her ego
and her killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men
and thats what you get for falling again
you can never get him out of your head
it's the way that he makes you feel
its the way that he kisses you
its the way that he makes you fall in love
its the way that he makes you cry
its the way that he's in your mind

rob broke up with me again.. .

everyone thinks he is making a mistake...

i think he needs time...

but i'm not sure...

i love him and he still loves me, and tells me so..

what is standing in his way?

i love how things go from one extreme to another so quickly... it's astounding...

i don't even want to talk about it.

urgh.

i was just in canada for a week. which was great.

but otherwise, life is shit.

so i get lied to... thats always fun and makes me feel better.

i'm kinda sick of that. alot.

i had to cut down my friends on myspace to keep secrets at bay.

i love my good and real friends... they make me happy.

and so does my attorney... M is probably right about the situation...

so... me and rob... done. over. dead.
saddening? yes.
heartbreaking? yes.
world ending? no.

i thought i would be more upset.

i thought this would be harder.

then in walks someone who i've been in touch with and spews out the words... "i had the world but i thought i wanted more"

hmm.... i'm coping with the loss of rob and now wondering what's going on with this. he has been asked to move out. (when i say he, i don't mean rob) the catalyst was formed by a dear friend of mine... i can't say if i'm happy or apprehensive. because at this point, i don't know.

i'm in over my head with debt. i'm so scared about money... first unemployment check is may 4th.

all of that money is already spoken for... which sucks.

i have alot of paranoia right now.

i'm scared.... he makes me so happy... still. i'm just hoping all goes as it seems.

so um... craziness ensues.

there's not much to say here. really.

except ... what the fuck.

good god

1. got fired
2. got broken up with for someone else...
3. got confused.
4. remembered where my heart really is/was/always will be.
5. ....

"i'm thinking of you, are you thinking of me?"
the reason why i'm happy now.
the reason why i'm not going back... ever.
i like feeling appreciated, cherished and wanted.
he promised me that before we were together.
and he's still holding true to that.
<3

you think the closeness would soothe me.
you think the understanding would calm me.
you think the situation wouldn't bother me.
you think exactly the wrong things.
i need to feel something other than anxiety right now.
why am i so worried about disappointing people?
why am i so concerned with what people think?
why do i still care for someone who really didn't make me happy?
why did i have to screw up something i actually cared about?
why did i deserve another chance with this guy?
why am i so different from everyone else he's ever met?
i'm just me.
there's not much to me.
i'm not doing anything special.
or am i?
he deserves so much better than me.

so things always get a little complicated

but simple complications?

never heard of it...

until i met him...

now i know what its like to have a healthy, normal, loving relationship

i know what its like to be truly loved.

and i thank tangerine and jewbagel for that.

2006 is over.
alot is over now basically.
my college time, over.
my relationship with rob, over.
my dependence on my family, over.
my time without a car, over.
my apprehensive nature toward men who actually care, over.
my large circle of friends, over.

now i have only a few things that count in my life.

i have a tangerine, a jew bagel, and an apartment.

i don't really try to have anything else.

now it feels as if i've lost touch with everyone... greg, tia, ashley, tom, jeanie, and a couple of others who actually matter.

anyone else of note, would be noted.

i work too much, sleep too little, and most of my free time is consumed with my family, tangerine, or hoff.

i don't really mind it this way, but i do feel as if i've lost touch with alot of important things.

the only reason i had a decent birthday this year was because of my new boyfriend, who was just a friend at the time.

we finally admit we're together.

i've never been happier.

he does something no other guy has tried to do... appreciate my flaws and focus on the simple things.

i miss the old crowd from my house.

you guys know who you are, and i miss you guys alot.

happy new year.

ho ho ho.
yep, i am working on christmas eve.
last year i spent it with rob.
this year i spend it with disgruntled rcn customers.
 my mom, the wonder that she is, neglected to go to the family dinner.
this is two strikes in a row.
i hope the family realizes how she really is now.
on the lighter side, my dad's fam invited the new guy to christmas.
the new guy calls my friends and actually acts like he gives a shit.
it's a pleasant feeling.
we're uber cute together.
it's fun.
i have tomorrow off, thank god.
i think my family would geek out if i didn't.
two holidays i couldnt show up? oh yeah.
but at least i have an excuse.
my mother doesn't.
she just chooses to say one thing and do another.
oh well, she's tying her own noose.
the kittens are being more playful.
i'm hardly at my apartment.
i'm always somewhere else.
meegz is home, comforting doesn't even cover it.
tomorrow's itinerary is fun...
go to richie's to see the kiddos open up toys.
go shooting with dad.
go to auntie andreas for dinner (with new guy)
go to grandma's for presents.
running around for the holidays, my favorite pasttime since i was 6.
i have two christmases
last year i had 3.
i miss last year.
alot.
but this year is a new experience.

so yesterday i had an interesting day to say the least...
i ended up taking care of the other guy all day long because he was so sick.
he was throwing up, dizzy, had a fever, and had a terrible pain in his side.
i got worried enough to stay with him all day and go get him pedialyte so he wouldn't get dehydrated.
he kept thanking me.
he thanked my mom for making such a caring and compassionate person.
i don't think he was ever treated like that, that someone actually cares for him.
at around 9:30 i had to take him to the emergency room because his fever was getting way too high.
they took him in pretty quick and i stayed out in the waiting room, pacing around and chain smoking outside.
i've never seen him that pale or that weak.
he was in so much pain, he was grinding his teeth.
at quarter to midnight an aide came out to the waiting room and brought me back.
i just stayed by him all night until they release him at 3:30am.
he was joking around and stuff, hitting on me even though he was sick and smiling just to have me there.
he kept saying i could leave and i kept telling him no.
he told me that everytime i said i wasn't leaving him made him feel better.
they gave him morphine for the pain and something for the nausea and then hydromorphone to break the fever, which was scary to be there with him, because he was basically sweating off the iv tape.
he broke the fever at 3am and they discharged him with a few days off of work and a prescription for the nausea.
we've basically spent the past 5 days together now.
it's weird, we're completely content with one another and spending so much time together.
we broke out the pet names, which again, is weird.
funny how things work out.
he told me from the first time he saw me he knew that there was something good about me.
i've never met someone so grateful for the things i do for them.
the last nurse that came in to see him told me he's lucky to have someone like me to take care of him.

things are being said around rob for the sole purpose of it getting back to me.

how cute is that?

yes, i had the intention of moving to arizona.

but now i'm questioning my own motives.

what would i gain from that?

i think someone else would gain more from me coming with them.

i love the mind games people play.

and those 3 words bother me more than anything on this earth.

i only like to hear them from one person.

i love how ridiculously "soap opera" my life has become.

i'm obsessed with the phrase  "vae victis"

it means woe to the conqeured in latin.

or "dum spiro, spero"

as long as i breathe, i hope.

im trying so hard to be optimistic.

i think its finally working.

my mom finally saw my apartment and met the other one.

kinda funny.

i have two kittens with me at the apartment.

christmas is creeping up fast.

i miss the old times.

i miss my old friends.

Is it safe to look within
And erase all that's been
And all that's been between
Is it gone tell me what went wrong
'cause baby i'm not that strong

And i'm walking wounded
All alone, all alone

Are you comfortable and numb
Did they all succumb to all those lies
Does it satisfy the greed
Is it all you need
Is it all you want
'cause baby i'm not that strong

And I'm walking wounded
All alone
And baby i'm not that strong
And i'm walking wounded a
All alone, all alone


How does it feel
How does it feel

How does it feel
How does it feel

If your memories do stray
Then they betray all that's past
And all that's been between
Is it gone tell me what went wrong
'cause baby i'm not that strong

And i'm walking wounded
All alone,
And baby i'm not that strong
And i'm walking wounded
All allone, alll alone



so life is confusing to say the least.

"i know you're just looking out for krista's well being"

She is trapped inside a month of gray
And they take a little every day
She is a victim of her own responses
Shackled to a heart that wants to settle
And then runs away
It's a sin to be fading endlessly
Yeah, but she's alright with me
She is leaving on a walkaway
She is leaving me in disarray
In the absence of a place to be
She stands there looking back at me
Hesitates, and then turns away
She'll change so suddenly
She's just like mercury
Yeah, but she's alright with me
Keep some sorrow in your hearts and minds
For the things that die before their time
For the restlessly abandoned homes
The tired and weary rambler's bones
And stay beside me where I lie
She's entwined in me
Crazy as can be
Yeah, but she's alright with me




It's 1:30 in the morning
that's alright by me
you just waiting by the phone
I should give a little warning
but I need the things I need
I'm not proud to need a hand
but I just don't understand
So, Why should you come when I call
I never say nothing at all
why do I go, when I go
it's leaving me here all alone
You ought to get out on your own
ain't necessarily a bad thing
to believe the things I say
cause you can make yourself feel good
you know it's really not a good thing
to give everything to me
I'm just waiting for the show
cause I got no where to go
So, Why should you come when I call
I never say nothing at all
why do I go, when I go
it's leaving me here all alone
you ought to get out on your own
Cause nothing makes me feel so good
gets me high
so I sleep at night
and that's enough and everything
alright
I feel nice
so sorry in the morning
could believe what you believe
I'm used to waking up alone
And if you think about it
anyone you think about is a better love than me
but if you've not fallin' quite asleep?
I might call tonight
if that's alright
why should you come when I call
I never say nothing at all
why do I go, when I go
it's leaving me here all alone
you ought to get out on your own

my inner geek came out, sorry.

JUSTINE!! SERENITY WILL HAVE ITS OWN MMORPG.

teehee.

i got excited for you.

my week has been fantastically confusing.

but i love it, dearly.

watched da vinci code.

actually liked it.

"he is only the opening band to god, there is no santa claus"

oh how i love chuck palahniuk.

reading invisible monsters.

at work. 

i'm tired.

alot of weird things have happened.

its snowing.

i love it.

i am so sick and tired of men.

all of them.

mostly the three that are heavy players in my life.

1. i broke up with, still love, still cares for me, still treats me amazing.

2. i spend alot of time with, might love, cares for me, but is too confused.

3. i also broke up with, was the ruin of me and #1 and now quit some bad habits, and now we talk again.

1, 2, and 3 all confuse me.

1 makes me smile, puts me at ease. 2 does the same but last night he acted like an ass. and 3 just wants to see me again, and i want to see him.

today me and 2 are trying to not talk to one another. really i just want to call and bitch at him because he really hurt me last night and it doesn't help that his ex stopped by last night and i'm surprised my tires are still intact.

today is 1's birthday.

3 and i talked alot last night.

my stomach hurts, i don't want to be at work. i hate my life.

i just want to feel okay.

last night sucked.

bad timing on everyone's parts. especially his.